There's something I need to get off my chest, something I'm not proud of, I need to come clean about this.




I don't really like monkeys.

There. I said it.

I don't know why, I have never had a traumatic experience, or any experience with monkeys. Just don't like em.

I think its mostly chimpanzees, and gorillas. Those little monkeys in the hats, you know, the organ grinder monkeys, are A-OK with me.

Fun fact: Adult gorillas range in size from about 5 feet tall, to 5'9 or so, 300 to 450 pounds, give or take. And about 3% body fat. What does that mean to me? That means it could rip my arms off, easily, and beat me to death with them.

Yikes.

Jessica would never go to the gorilla exhibit at the Denver Zoo, you  wanna know why? When she was a kid, her folks took her to a zoo, and she was standing at the glass, looking at the gorilla. The gorilla, seeing a redhead, flipped out and punched the glass, right where Jessica was standing. Now, we have all been to the zoo, and we all know how thick that glass is, right?

450 lbs. 3% body fat.

You do the math. I don't know if the glass shattered like your windshield, or held, or what, but I do know that some dude that was also there got her the FUCK out of there, probably leaving a trail of pee the whole way. Terrifying. That story scares the shit out of me.

Lets look at chimpanzees. 5'6 ish, 150 lbs, compact, muscley little fucks. And, its estimated 5 to 7 times stronger than the strongest guy you know. You remember that story a few years back, that couple that had a pet chimp(??????), but had to give it up because of their HOA, or building code, or whatever? They were visiting it, at wherever they had left it, a monkey sanctuary or whatever, and it flipped out. It, along with 3 of its buddies, mauled his former owner. Tore off hands, a foot, an eye, lips, nose, and, wait for it, the guys penis. Dude lived, but what do you think his day-to-day life is like? Fun?

Holy shit.

Did you know that there exists a sort of subculture of people, that for whatever reason, can't or don't have kids? Maybe they are shootin blanks, or the kids have moved out, whatever. With me so far?  These people will adopt fucking monkeys, and raise them as kids. Buy them dresses, give them their own rooms, whatever. They call them monkids.

Pictured: Crazy

I dunno. Who am I to judge? I have pets. Cats. 3 of em. They have names. My little Taco doesn't have any formal wear, but who knows? He's still young.

Peace.